I have quiet myself down a lot during this few days after back from Paris. I totally forgotten that I have this blog, that I put all my thoughts and feelings here.

I only realize when I was reading through the old emails that I send to Hubert. Lots love, hugs and kisses in it, I miss all this words a lot. Even though, it is in black and white not spoken that often, but it do touch my heart.

You must be wondering, why am I reading through every single emails that he wrote to me since 2005. I trying to look for an answer. An answer that will awake me and understand why we still together till now.

Sometimes in a relationship, we took things for granted. Assumptions is another cause for relationship to break up. Now I see the whole picture and I do regard about it.
I have said and done on what I should not have. Nothing can be undone. During this process, I do learn something from it.

I began to have a deeper understanding of Love.

Lord, now hand up my burden to you, make you help me and fixed back the broken bridge between Hubert and me.

Thank you lord, Amen

The above title are taken from MSN Home news.co.uk.

I read through not every single article about the war with Iraq but read some. I read about how Tony Blair announced war against the Iraq and how his country have been badly affected since then.  Beside Tony Blair begin put in a difficult situation , so is George Bush! Both nation that declare war against Iraq are now facing financial difficulties and losing trust from its own people! With all those problems issuing on the above, I wonder how the military, the air force , and navy perspective view of the whole situation? They have been out in the war for 2years, they see death, they see blood, they see homeless people so what they do feel about it? I wonder?

If I were in one of their shoes, I guess I will be asking qns like :

1) am I doing the right thing?

2) why started the war in the first place?

3) when will the war be ended? what are suppose to do if it doesnt end?

4) did lord really allow that?

I hope that after my completion of my degree .. or maybe before that, I can have the chance to interview soldiers, get to know their perspective view!

In my whole life, I am always playing the game called, “Waiting Game!” Its a simple game, you wait to see what the result will be like! If you are lucky, you will what you want! If not, you have to continue to wait!

Its easy but tough! You don’t usually get what you want and sometimes as years wasted you still don’t get it! I am a good example, I like to wait and the reason why I like the game are:

1) You don’t have to worry about the loved ones that you going to hurt,

2) You take time to get yourself prepared the negative effects that coming through your way,

3) You always hope for the better!

Thus, I have been pushing my dreams away and begin a coward and not able to see the world like I should! Always trapped in the waiting game, running around. Thats my life!

I should follow my intuition and my heart say, not my brain or my mind!

Lord make this work! Be with me, not only now but forever and ever!

Love ya!

I caught the trailer on the movie of Sex and the City.

My heart broke when I watch till the end. Carrie was dumped by Mr Big on their big wedding itself! Isnt that sad? I wonder will that ever happen to me? Or maybe I don’t even hve the chance to hear my Mr Big proposing to me!

Nevertheless, no body knw what will happen in the future.. but I alwys believe that.. it takes two hands to mke it work..

Sitting right here, starring at my PC screen…

My whole mind went blank for a while!

Oh man, this is bad!

I have no idea what I am doing right now!

Maybe right now I am drunk by own victory and happiness!

I hope I will wake up feeling OK and not hangover!

Foolish me,

Foolish myself,

Foolish I,

Damn foolish asshole!

How could I…

Why should I…

When will I…

What would I…

Where should I…

Foolish.. Foolish… Foolish!

Gosh, my water pipe is going to burst any time with tears!

I did anticipated that mum will not be supportive of me taking a bachelor but I never expected him having the same response as my mum! Not very anticipated, no encouragement but forcing me to face the reality! Gosh why are this two ppl that I love doing this to me!

Since the day I born into this family how much sacrifices did I make? I didnt expect any good returns.. but hope for the better.  I gave up the dream of going to university and let my bros do… and now I just want to do what I want… why I wasnt given the chance? Is this all fate, written in the book of life? I don’t knw.

Anyway, I expected that he will support my idea and saying go ahead n do it! He is impt to me, but I dont think I am to him. Gosh, I cant believe that …its always like that.. life alwys making a fool out of you!

He is so impt to me and I expected and waited for his support but was not given. On the other hand,  the least expected person gave you the most support! Oh gosh, why is the world turning upside down?

I have decided to follow Jesus,

I have decided to follow Jesus… Remembering this song its like reminding my life on earth!

Most of the time, I have a hard time to make a decision on every little things I do! Sometimes, I have to argue over an issue for a very long long time before a conclusion can be made! So who am I, am I really suitable for this job, Should I further upgrade myself? should I this, should I that? Thus it took forever for me to say yes to something that I really want! After all, I not a good risk taker isnt it!

This time round, I have decided regardless what mum is going to say! Its my life and I have to make it work. Well, I have decided to follow my dreams…

I have decided to take a Bachelor In Mass Communication ( Journalism),

I have decided to take a Bachelor In Mass Communication ( Journalism),

No turning back, No turning back!

God blessed me the strength and show me the road to my success!

Thank you Lord!

Love you always!

I sure glad that I didnt followed my childhood dream of becoming a nurse or a doctor!

Its freaks the hell out of me after watching the first season of House. The director whom make the House must have done lots of research or maybe he alwys wanted to be part of the medical team, my guessing is his unfortunate turn into something else. The every detail was narrowed out with every complication diagnose, with all the screwing, cutting, splurging of blood really amaze me and freak me out at the same time! Now I thank god that he didnt make me into a nurse or a doctor! But I really wonder what is he trying to make me into? Not a nurse, not a doctor, not a admin worker, not a teacher, but what? I have been struggling in and out, what I want for my life. I living in an endless life looking for clues, sign, from any source to tell me where I should go! Its tough, I hope that what I had decided that Lord you could blessed it as a true calling for me to do it! Help me oh lord! If you agreed on my decision, make it work for me! Love you my lord!

To stop myself frm going crazy about what future lies in front of me, I finally make up my mind to take up a degree course i/o forever begin a diploma holder! I check out on a few website on the course that I want, it come out to three available universities : Oklahma (in USA), Monash (in AUS) and Murdoch (in AUS). I read every details such as the background, the electives they have and etc but I still unable to come out a choice. I decided to ask my friend to help me and that was easy.

My friend actually graduate out from Murdoch as a degree holder in Marketing and Media, which now she is doing very good in Australia. She kept telling that I should go Murdoch and check out what other degree is available so that I will be updated and when I graduate out I will have better prospect!  I hope so too and hope is not late to learn what I want!

I really took freaking 4yrs to come and understand what I want to do.

God bless me with the strength , the energy, the knowledge, the right people to achieve my dream!